expanding my capacity
Several months ago, I was struggling to find organizations doing direct action/activist work without emulating white supremacy in their internal and external practices. The disconnect between how I was able to show up to action spaces and what I was kept from in organizing spaces was wearing on me, and I eventually gave up. I stuck to moving independently at actions, and building relationships in real time. This served my needs much better, because I was able to see folks’ values in practice and align myself accordingly.
At the same time… It was/is a bit lonely. While I have excellent rapport with so many folks, and have developed relationships across NYC, I’m not part of the organizing team for any of them. I know how to show up to a space and cultivate safe community practices, but any long term work is done by myself, and on my own. Frontline Queers is a great example of that - that project is my way of showing up on the frontlines, while also attempting to cultivate long term collaborations that enable other folks to safely show up on the frontlines. But… I’m on my own.
Cut to now - I have just returned from a deployment with two comrades and friends. We spent two weeks in Atlanta, GA, doing safety scouts and bringing PPE to voters waiting in line. This is the second community deployment that I have done with these folks (Bradley Tangonan and Kalaya’an Mendoza), and although this work is by no means low-risk, I have never felt safer than when I’m watching their backs.
The night before the solstice, Kalaya’an asked about my capacity for doing community safety support on the national and international level, then followed it up with saying that he believed that I was on the right track in regards to my approach to street marshaling. He then said that if I was interested, they would love to have me join the team at Across Frontlines.
Friend, when I tell you my heart skipped several beats… I’ve admired the work of Across Frontlines for months, and had even written Kalaya’an an email back in August asking if there was any way I could support/get involved. I came down with a nasty case of imposter syndrome and never sent the email, deciding to instead just follow him and Bradley around and support however I could. And now, here was the literal opportunity of a lifetime, casually presented to me from a Jeep parked outside a polling location in Gwinnett County, Georgia.
The next night, I pulled the King of Wands and The Magician out of my favorite tarot deck. I had asked what the solstice and the Great Conjunction would mean to me, and the answer was essentially pointing me towards leadership roles, and that I have the capability to actualize my dreams. Seeing as joining Across Frontlines/being part of an organizing team was something that I’d been working towards and searching for for months, pulling those cards was exactly what I needed to see.
Oh - in case it wasn’t clear - I of course said yes!
This year has been full of some extreme horrors, both on the individual and the structural level. Finding the pace where we are able to both fight for change and also cultivate self care and resilience is a lifelong and arduous task. My winter wish is for you to feel the buoy of community resilience, tucked into memories of smiles and family portraits. My winter wish is for the open hands of your distress tolerance to welcome in the winter nights as a chance to rest. Asé.
See you in 2021!